Posted by: kphelps | September 20, 2010

Joke of the Week

 

 

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

 
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.  There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars!  Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”  Sally said, “Finders keepers.”  She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.  “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”.  Andy said, “She’s lying.  She hid it up in the attic.  Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.  One officer said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”  Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….”  The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Posted by: kphelps | September 16, 2010

Joke of the Week

Thanks to my friend Tom for this one:

The Porch and The Blonde

 

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.   She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?” 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.   The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Posted by: kphelps | September 9, 2010

Joke of the Week

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Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. 

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are 
you getting there?” 

“We’re  taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great 
rate!” 

“Continental?”exclaimed the hairdresser. ” That’s a terrible airline.  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, 
and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?”

 “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber 
River called Teste.” 

“Don’t  go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its 
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

 “We’re  going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the 
Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other 
people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy,
good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” 

A month later, the woman again came in. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .  “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot….
And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $10 million
remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” 

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but 
I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” 

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if 
I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.” 

“Oh, really! What’d he say?” 

 He said, “Who screwed up your hair?”

Posted by: kphelps | September 1, 2010

Joke of the Day

I just love marriage jokes and here’s a good one if you haven’t seen it before:

wedding couple animation

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know, Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.” And every year, Martha would say “I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.” 
So one year Stumpy says, “By Jeebers, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, and if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs … and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.” 
So the pilot overhears then and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won’t charge you. But just ONE WORD and it’s ten dollars.” 
They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word… so he lands. 
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.” 
And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out … but ten dollahs is ten dollahs.” 

Posted by: kphelps | August 25, 2010

Travel and Shopping for Everyone Update

Hi Everyone,

For some reason the URL I sent out a couple of days ago to register for your free travel/e-commerce site is not working so here is the new site:  http://bit.ly/bgHm8C.  If you did not check out the demo you should do so today, that site is http://bit.ly/btHt4I.  Don’t pass up the chance to make some extra money, 30% commission on travel and e-commerce commissions.  If you have kids 18 years of age or over what a great way for them to earn some extra cash.  My entire family has a site so get yours today.

Posted by: kphelps | August 25, 2010

This is No Joke

I don’t know if the below is true but  it is definitely worth reading and I’m sorry but I could not help from laughing hysterically.  The only luck some people have is bad luck!  Keep reading.

Posted by: kphelps | August 24, 2010

Travel and Shopping For Everyone

I have something I just have to share and the great thing is it is totally free, that’s right FREE!  This free offer is from ZamZuu and they are giving you  a travel and e-commerce site for absolutely no cost.  Is that fantastic or what?   Did I say it’s FREE?  Yeah I did and I love free and you should too, especially in this economy.

But wait, that’s not all, you also earn money, 30% on all travel and e-commerce commissions.  That’s commissions earned when YOU, your friends, family members, actually anyone purchases travel or items from your site.  How sweet!

Guys, this is a fantastic deal.  It used to cost $299 for a travel and e-commerce site but now they are free.  I’ve checked it out and you can too.  Just go to the demo site, click here, http://bit.ly/btHt4I.  Take a tour and see what you get, it’s amazing.

After taking your tour then click here, http://bit.ly/dkNrUp and sign up for your very own site.  There are no strings attached and you have the opportunity to earn commission.  What are you waiting for, check this out today.

I hope all of you have a wonderful week and love your new travel and e-commerce site.

Posted by: kphelps | August 12, 2010

Joke of the Day

I’m female so I can send this.  Sort of reminds me of that Abraham Lincoln insurance commercial, enjoy!

 Mirror Honesty:

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated.
I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself.”

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at
Morris Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited

Posted by: kphelps | August 8, 2010

Joke of the Day

This is a good one, thanks Martha!

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being

Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to

continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for

four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four

hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the

clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00

for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the ‘standard

rate’. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has

an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available

for us to use.’But we didn’t use them,” I said.”Well, they are here, and

you could have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows

for which the hotel is famous.

“We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las

Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” I said. “Well, we have them,

and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,”But we

didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. “But sir, this

cheque is only made out for $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife,” I

replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

I said, “Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens

Posted by: kphelps | August 4, 2010

Joke, Well Prank of the Decade!

This is in Spanish but it doesn’t matter, whatever language, this is a scream, no pun intended.

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